To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Victor Hugo ~Les Miserables
A good friend recently told me I was the "Queen of Boundaries". Her perception surprised me. I have never described my strong-willed tendencies in such a positive light. But with some honest self reflection, I do admit that I've given "boundary-maintenance" its fair share of attention for the better part of my adult life.
The term "boundary" probably has slightly different meanings to different people. To me, it is that tangible line between the issues you are willing to "let go" and those that you will not compromise. My observation is that some people have flexible fishing-line style boundaries. Others have steel posts. Many people have both types: depending on the situation, their flexibility fluctuates.
I can intuitively identify when an issue truly matters to me. The steel posts go up & I can't tear them down, even if I think I want to. Although I see myself in everyday life as a "people pleaser", my personality changes on a dime when my important boundaries are crossed. My reactions and actions may appear to some to be stubborn, pushy, determined, focused, "control-freakish", or even annoying. I understand why others might see my behaviour in this light. But, it really is true that things are not always as they seem. Sometimes, there is method to my madness. Let me give you an example.
In state schools in Queensland, students are provided with weekly Religious Instruction (RI). This is not religious education, whereby world religions are canvassed and objective historical and modern day events are reviewed. This is religious Instruction, whereby students are taught by volunteer community religious leaders Bible-inspired lessons. I have no doubt that Christian RI in Queensland schools is wanted and appreciated by a large portion of our school community. So, this is not a debate about that. I respect that everyone practices spirituality in their personal ways and it is not for me to comment or judge.
However, here's the issue. I do not subscribe to, adhere to, follow, or practice my spirituality within any forum that could possibly be conceived as organized religion. Neither do my kids. And I have deep, meaningful (to me) reasons for the choices I've made. This does not mean I am an atheist, agnositic or in any other fashion, "spiritually deficient or devoid". These convictions ("my truths") are planted as deep in my soul as the religious beliefs of my fellow Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist friends. They are beliefs that I openly share with my children as part of my role as their parent. In fact, I think that one of my most important goals as their mother is to assist them in understanding and connecting with their own spiritual cores . . . with my guidance and love, but not my persuasion toward one particular belief system.
Christian RI, as it appears to be practiced in our school system, is not aligned with my beliefs about how I want to provide spiritual education to my children. I do not object to my kids being exposed to ethics or character lessons. Many Christian values, including love, service, and respect, are part of my belief system as well. In part, I believe that the dissonance I feel is rooted in the implementation of the RI program. The RI instructors (called religious ministers in the relevant legislation) are not Queensland certified teachers. The credentials/background of these instructors are not provided to parents. The instructors do not teach from a curriculum so the content of their lessons cannot be provided to those who may wish to examine them or know what their children are learning.
Wise friends have suggested that I could use this RI experience as a learning/debriefing way to discuss spiritual issues with my children. The difficulty with that idea is that I have no idea what the RI instructors are teaching my kids. It is hard to debrief an experience that you know nothing about. Short of sitting in the lesson every week, I will likely never know what information has been conveyed and how my children have interpreted it. The only consistent answer I ever get from my six-year-old, when I inquire about what he learned during his school day, is "nothing". Expecting him to be able to communicate to me accurate information about what he learned in Religion is not an realistic option. However, as those of us who are parents know, this does not mean he is learning "nothing". He is currently learning about 1/2 of what he knows about the world at school. As his mother, I believe it is my right to be able to obtain additional information about what his school lessons consist of, so that I might provide additional information and correct inaccuracies. And if appropriate, I provide my perspective, particularly if the situation requires the understanding that the world is not black and white; rather, there are multiple perspectives. Because let's face it--most of the time, there are.
In Queensland, the Education (General Provisions) Act (2006) and accompanying Regulations provide the legislative authority to implement this type of religious instruction in state (public) schools. The legislators have recognised that many students will not align with the religious beliefs of the religious instructors and thus, they have outlined important safeguards to address this issue. These safeguards include: the ability to opt-out of RI (actually, they require parental consent to be sought prior to offering RI, but this practice seems to be watered down in implementation); and the requirement that those that opt out be provided with other educational activities in separate learning spaces. In many cases, "separate learning spaces" appears to have been interpreted/implemented to be the back of the same classroom where RI is being taught. Again, this seems to be for administrative/logistical reasons (the teaching staff cannot leave religious community volunteers (who are not school staff) alone in the classroom with the children). But, the practical result is that "opted out" kids are in fact still present in the classroom for the RI lesson. The only difference between students studying RI and those that are not is that the opted out students are not required to actively participate in lessons. The opted- out students, however, cannot help but listen to/overhear the lesson and they will assimilate the information they hear in the many varied and unpredictable ways that children learn.
I can only imagine what the families of students who actively practice other organised religions experience with this process. In my mind, it is THE reason why many communities offer some form of secular education. Because there are many places that people can chose to go to receive spiritual education/guidance that will align with their chosen spiritual beliefs. Churches, synagogues, mosques, nature. But, having a choice about their children's school is not a reality for many families.
I have wondered: do I go with the flow? I could accept that my children are primarily influenced by me and their dad, and that I will be able to debrief their RI experiences/learning so that I know they know that they have "spiritual options". I could consider the idea that RI is not a "big deal"; it's an hour of singing songs and hearing stories--what harm can come from that? My problem is those darn boundaries. The steel poles have gone up and I can't bring them down, even if I wanted to. And when I take the time to analyse why I can't tear them down, I realize that they are being constructed and erected by my heart. What matters to me most is protected by my soul, even when I want to ignore it, when I want to "be agreeable", and when I think I "should" just go with the flow.
What matters to me? What matters to me as I parent my children through the complex, meaningful, and intensely personal realm of their spiritual identity development? At this stage of their lives, I want myself and my husband to be THE people who shepherd our children's spiritual growth. My life experiences to date have taught me that spiritual guidance is best facilitated by those people with whom you can trust to honour your heart. Those people who see you and love you for who you are. For our family (remember: I'm not judging the choices of others!), these people are not strangers who visit the public schools once a week to share their interpretation of what spirituality means to them.
So, I will move forward with a mission, and with my steel poles intact. People in my life have watched this issue unfold. I wonder if they are wondering why I am making such a fuss? Why I take on systemic issues that I have little hope of changing? Why I stress over things that others can just "let go"? I guess the short answer is that I am the "Queen of Boundaries". Whether I like it or not, it is just a part of who I am.
Post-script
After posting this blog, my attention was drawn to the fact that many others in Australia have similar concerns. For those Australian parents who wish to know more about this issue, check out the following websites:
Religious Instruction in Victoria
Religious Instruction in Queensland
Controversy About RI in State Schools
