Who Has Earned the Right to Hear Your Story?

"Maybe stories are just data with a soul". Brene Brown

If you know me at all, you know that I love the work of Brene Brown (BB). Brene is a writer, researcher, public speaker, and incredibly inspiring person. I remember when we "met", about three years ago. It was a typical day: I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, saw a link to a TED talk, watched it three consecutive times, and was completely engaged. Everything Brene writes rings "true" to me. Her research findings on the impact of shame and vulnerability have changed how I interact with my family and my friends. Her guidance on Whole Hearted Living has inspired me to do some HARD work as I strive for connection and authenticity in my most treasured relationships. If there is anyone who hasn't seen Brene's famous TED talk, here's the link . . . watch now! I guarantee her thoughts and her spirit will impact your perspective. With 12 million views to date, I am guessing there are others who agree with me.

Brene's Famous TED talk

I happen to know that one of the most famous people in the world agrees with me. And, for the record, I adored Brene's work long before Oprah decided to get on the Daring Greatly/BB band wagon. But, regardless of what you think about Oprah and her "Super Soul Sunday" (enlightenment marketing machine), she is right about Brene. I firmly believe that BB has got some answers. Ideas and answers that many of us need to hear. Along with the Beatles, I believe that there are a lot of lonely people in the world. People who are yearning to connect with others  . . . really CONNECT. I'm not talking about checking in with a Facebook newsfeed and sending a text that says, "how r u?"

In conjunction with Brene's recent Oprah fame (and likely because of it), BB is offering an online course entitled "The Gifts of Imperfection". I've signed up for this course and I'm slowly making my way through the curriculum, giving myself permission to procrastinate and distract when things get "tough" to both contemplate and integrate. Assignment One involved a few activities, but the one that stands out in my mind was an art activity/reflective question about this topic: "who has earned the right to hear your story?" What a question that is! According to Brene, "our stories are not meant for everyone" (Brown, 2010, p. 47). BB encourages her students to be aware of WHO in our lives can sit with us, hold space for our painful stories, and love us regardless for our strengths and our struggles. And according to BB, if we have one or two people in our lives who "embrace our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fill us with a sense of belonging" (p. 47), we are incredibly lucky.

I have thought long and hard about this question. I wonder if there are people who have an easy answer to it. Because it is a really tough question. Who has earned the right to hear my story?

In my view, the modern habits of social connection confuse the issue. We are living our private lives publicly, with Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram . . . and a whole host of other 'social media' platforms that encourage users to put their stories "out there" for mass consumption. And consumption is the correct word for it. Because social media is so often one-sided communication. And perhaps I'm a cynic, but being authentic on social media seems to be the ultimate oxymoron. Who puts their 'real life' on Facebook anyway? People who post are often referenced as narcissists or over-sharers or 'people with nothing better to do'. People who do not post are seen as voyeurs or gossips. This is not an environment that encourages belonging or connection. Where ever there is human tendency to judge, the freedom to be "true" can not flourish.

Here's my question. How do you determine who has the right to hear your struggles and your victories? Is it a matter of 'earned loyalty'? Does your 'chosen' audience remain the same or change depending on the story you want to share? I agree with BB that understanding, owning and sharing your story is one key to meaningful connection with others. I also think that being open and willing to be another person's 'story-listener' is critical for connection. When striving for meaningful, fulfilling, fantastic relationships, I think it is important to ask both questions: Who has earned the right to hear your story? Have you earned the right to hear another's? If you can name two or three people who qualify as answers to BOTH questions, you are, as Brene Brown says, "incredibly lucky". :)